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Excerpt from Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Unknown Author

HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating before he
was abdicated.

HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family.

HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and called it
homeopathy.

HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark.

HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion promiser, and
a sick man. When a youth he began instructing the monarchs of Europe
in the use of a government. One of his favorite pastimes was reading
ultimatums. Fearless until a warship entered the harbor, and even then
usually got rid of it with promises. Employed massacres to break the
monotony of reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk
cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be ostlerized
(see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and salary, and locked him up
in a palace. Then the wise ones lost Tripoli and about everything but
sleeping room in Europe. Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on
the job. Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem. Epitaph:
Everybody Worked But Father.

HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also founded
the foolish questions.

HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high prices,
and buildings upon certain communities.

HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote a few
other airs.

HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.)

HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American university
near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., where football
players and the sons of American millionaires eke out an education.

HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his patients had
blood which circulated. The discovery has since been of some profit to
his successors.

Explanation ​

This excerpt from Who Was Who: 5000 B.C. to Date is a satirical, pseudo-biographical dictionary that offers witty, irreverent, and often cynical summaries of historical and literary figures. The work is anonymous, but its style aligns with early 20th-century humor—particularly the kind found in The New Yorker or the writings of H.L. Mencken, where brevity, irony, and understatement are used to deflate grand historical narratives. Below is a detailed breakdown of the excerpt, focusing on its tone, themes, literary devices, and the specific meanings embedded in each entry.

Context & Themes ​

  1. Satirical Biography as Social Commentary The text parodies the dry, factual style of reference works (like Who’s Who) by injecting humor, sarcasm, and subversive observations. It exposes the absurdities of power, legacy, and human folly, often reducing grand historical figures to their most ridiculous or hypocritical traits.

  2. Themes

    • The Absurdity of Power: Many entries mock rulers, diplomats, and institutions (e.g., Abdul Hamed, Harvard).
    • Human Folly & Hypocrisy: Figures like Hagar (whose actions disrupted a "happy family") or Hamlet (reduced to grammatical indecision) are framed as comically flawed.
    • The Irony of Legacy: Discoveries (Harvey’s circulation of blood) or cultural contributions (Handel’s music) are treated as either obvious or overrated.
    • Colonialism & Diplomacy: Abdul Hamed’s entry critiques European imperialism and the hollow promises of diplomats.

  3. Tone The voice is detached, ironic, and mock-scholarly, using understatement to highlight absurdity. For example, calling Handel’s Largo his sole notable work (when he composed Messiah) or reducing Harvard to a school for "football players and millionaires’ sons."

Literary Devices ​

  1. Irony & Understatement

    • Hafid, Mulai: "Succeeded in abdicating before he was abdicated" — implies he was so unpopular that preemptive resignation was his only achievement.
    • Harvey, Doctor W.: "The discovery [of blood circulation] has since been of some profit to his successors" — downplays a revolutionary medical breakthrough as merely "profitable."

  2. Wordplay & Puns

    • Hamlet: "Had difficulty with an auxiliary verb" — refers to his famous soliloquy ("To be, or not to be"), reducing existential angst to grammar.
    • Hamed, Abdul: "Ostlerized" (a pun on "ostracized" + "Dr. Ostler," a fictional reference) and "Everybody Worked But Father" (a play on the nursery rhyme The Little Red Hen).

  3. Juxtaposition

    • Hagar: Contrasts her lowly status ("maid") with her disruptive power ("nearly broke up a happy family"), referencing the biblical conflict between Sarah and Hagar (Genesis 16).
    • Hammerstein: Pairs "opera broker" (a dignified term) with "inflicted himself" (suggesting his work was a burden).

  4. Sarcasm & Hyperbole

    • Hamed: "Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk cushions" — mocks orientalist stereotypes of decadent rulers.
    • Harvard: "Where football players and millionaires’ sons eke out an education" — critiques elitism and anti-intellectualism in Ivy League culture.

  5. Allusion

    • Ham: References the biblical Noah’s son (Genesis 9), humorously promoting him to "second officer and engineer of the Ark."
    • Oscar Hammerstein: Alludes to the real-life opera impresario (though the tone is unflattering).

Entry-by-Entry Analysis ​

  1. HAFID, Mulai

    • Meaning: A sultan who resigned before being forced out, implying political weakness. The brevity underscores his irrelevance.
    • Significance: Mocks the transient nature of power—even abdication can be framed as an "achievement."

  2. HAGAR, Miss

    • Meaning: Hagar, Sarah’s handmaid in the Bible, became Abraham’s concubine, causing familial strife (Genesis 16–21). The entry reduces a complex biblical narrative to a domestic squabble.
    • Significance: Highlights how religious/historical conflicts often stem from personal pettiness.

  3. HAHNEMANN, Doctor

    • Meaning: Samuel Hahnemann, founder of homeopathy, is mocked for "discovering the sugar pill"—a jab at homeopathy’s reliance on placebos.
    • Significance: Skepticism toward pseudoscience, framed as a "discovery" of nothingness.

  4. HAM

    • Meaning: Biblical Ham (Noah’s son) is humorously given a bureaucratic title ("second officer and engineer"), elevating his minor role.
    • Significance: Satirizes how history inflates minor figures.

  5. HAMED, Abdul

    • Meaning: Likely Abdul Hamid II, Ottoman Sultan (r. 1876–1909), known for repression, broken promises, and losing territory (e.g., Tripoli to Italy in 1911).
      • "Champion promiser": Mocks diplomatic hollowness.
      • "Reading ultimatums": Refers to his defiance of European powers (until warships arrived).
      • "Employed massacres": Alludes to the Armenian massacres (1894–96).
      • "Ostlerized": Pun on ostracism + "Dr. Ostler" (possibly a fictional reference to a quack doctor).
      • "Everybody Worked But Father": Implies his subjects labored while he indulged in his harem.
    • Significance: A scathing critique of autocracy, colonialism, and the Ottoman Empire’s decline.

  6. HAMLET

    • Meaning: Reduces Shakespeare’s tragic prince to two jokes:
      • "Difficulty with an auxiliary verb": "To be, or not to be" (existential crisis as grammar problem).
      • "Founded the foolish questions": Refers to his indecisiveness (e.g., "Is it nobler to suffer...").
    • Significance: Demystifies high culture by treating it as trivial.

  7. HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar

    • Meaning: Likely Oscar Hammerstein I (opera impresario, not the lyricist), criticized for exploiting communities with "high prices" and grandiose buildings.
    • Significance: Mocks the commercialization of art.

  8. HANDEL

    • Meaning: George Frideric Handel is reduced to Largo (from Xerxes), ignoring his oratorios (Messiah). "Also wrote a few other airs" is sarcastic.
    • Significance: Undermines artistic legacy by focusing on a single, overplayed work.

  9. HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.)

    • Meaning: A joke about the commonality of the name "Harry" (e.g., kings Henry/Harry of England). The cross-reference is absurdly unhelpful.
    • Significance: Pokes fun at the arbitrariness of historical naming.

  10. HARVARD, John

    • Meaning: John Harvard’s legacy (founding Harvard University) is undercut by describing it as a school for "football players and millionaires’ sons."
    • Significance: Critiques the elitism and anti-intellectualism of American higher education.

  11. HARVEY, Doctor W.

    • Meaning: William Harvey’s discovery of blood circulation (1628) is treated as a belated obviousness ("his patients had blood which circulated").
    • Significance: Highlights how groundbreaking discoveries seem trivial in hindsight.

Significance of the Excerpt ​

  1. Deflating Grand Narratives The text strips historical figures of their gravitas, exposing the absurdity beneath their legacies. For example, Handel’s music and Harvard’s prestige are reduced to punchlines.

  2. Critique of Power & Institutions Entries like Abdul Hamed and Harvard reveal the hypocrisy of rulers and elite institutions. The satire is particularly sharp regarding colonialism ("lost Tripoli") and academic pretension.

  3. Humor as Subversion The dry, deadpan style makes the criticism more potent. By mimicking a reference book, it lulls the reader into expecting facts—only to deliver jokes that undermine authority.

  4. Timelessness of the Satire Though likely written in the early 20th century, the themes (corrupt leaders, overrated institutions, human folly) remain relevant, demonstrating how satire transcends its era.

Conclusion ​

This excerpt is a masterclass in comic brevity, using irony, pun, and understatement to skewer history, culture, and human nature. Each entry is a miniature satire, exposing the gaps between reputation and reality. The anonymous author’s genius lies in the ability to condense complex figures into a single, devastating line—whether it’s reducing Hamlet to a grammar problem or Abdul Hamed to a "sick man" who "lost everything but sleeping room." The work’s enduring appeal lies in its universal targets: power, pretension, and the absurdity of the human condition.